Truth or dare?

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. 

Which of these options would you choose?  Accept the bad in you and not change. Be in denial, not accept the bad and not change.  Accept what is bad in you and change. This last year and a half, I have experienced so much.  I don’t know why it has been mostly negative, perhaps because it cuts deeper. I have repeated patterns in love that hurt me.  I have been paralysed by fear and exhausted by anxiety.   I have been delusional and expected solutions I barely lifted a finger to find.  I wallowed in self-pit.  What I can say without doubt is that the road to discovery has been bumpy but the view over the hill, amazing.  Now that I know what is unhealthy in me and no longer  like, I will work to get rid of it. I am a good man but I have been a bad man.

I am vastly different in moral character from one situation to the next.  I will want exclusivity with a boyfriend but then expect freedom to sleep around because it’s only sex.  I'm very liberal and open-minded but it has to be discussed and I have to feel safe in the love of my lover, to set rules, before I peek into the vaults of desire. I seek intimacy, commitment and dedication from a lover but I will sabotage that love if I am not sexually satisfied.

If hurt, I flip from nice to nasty.  When crossed, am a monster. I cannot turn the other cheek. I have to fight back. Rather than flare up at the time of the assault, I stew, store up the anger and hurt and then lash out.  I will make a terrible mess of it, muddle through and then produce a clear blueprint which allows me to step over the debris and walk away harm free.  

 I do not like being thwarted.  Even though I know the grass is not always greener on the other side, I am jealous minded. I value experience over material things but secretly wish for the security of a home and wealth.  I do not let go easily and can be very childish about it.

If I am challenged enough by someone who I deeply respect and admire, I curl up. I compare myself to him and become insecure to the point that I actually begin to question my perception of myself, how, what and why I think and feel.  I focus on the value of him to deflect the harder exercise, introspection and my own value. I project my faults onto him. Yet out of that insecurity, I reach a depth of understanding and a grounding that makes me very secure.  No matter what damage is inflicted, I have to find truth through proof.  I must be practical and philosophical and not just the latter.  

If I am not allowed to think and feel by myself, treated smugly or loftily, I retaliate with ferocious hostility. I will not be inhibited. Because I have lived life on my own terms, It cuts to my soul when I am restricted.  I need my solitude to wash, rinse and shake off the dirt and feel fresh again.

I am not afraid of the cracks, the mistakes, the faults in my friends but, when they exist in me, I am very hard on myself and over think myself into a twisted knot of confusion and self-loathing.  

I am very sensitive and easily upset.  I am volatile.  My thoughts dominate more than my feelings but over time equal out.

I am not a nasty man and never happier when I am helping someone else or being creative but when I lose control and get hurt I become vicious.  I love a drama and go way over the top. 

I am a Narcissist.  I have feelings of self-importance and a strong thirst for admiration and compliments (especially physical).  I concentrate on fantasies of great success, influence, intelligence, beauty or perfect love.  I believe too much in my own "specialness". I expect to associate with high prestige people or institutions and will act the part well.  I am frequently envious of others.  I am sometimes arrogant in my attitudes and behaviour.

So, not a bad year then. Lol.  Something is happening and I'm beginning to feel not so lost and confused. I think I'm actually beginning to accept myself. At almost half a century. I always was a late bloomer.