Howay the lads

Not been like this for a while.  I feel excited about my life. I am in control and, after a period of intense introspection, feel strong, motivated and positive. In London I was anxious bumping into an ex boyfriend (kind of in the sense that the friendship was in its patterns and style like boyfriends).  With a knot in my stomach and that morbid curiosity of what he might be up to and with whom mixed with reluctance, I put a brave face on. Light bulb moment. I realised it was not jealousy but low self esteem - that I feel inferior and inadequate.  The relationship failed and I blamed myself.  Not the case.  It takes two to clap.  Dragging him under, over and through the obstacle course of self discovery, as he sought to fine tune his judgement of himself, I helped him to achieve that.  The downside of knowing someone so well and being so close is that the journey involves frustration, impotency and confusion and I was the brunt of it. I accepted the punches -mostly by disagreement, often by clashing and three times by verbal assault.  He required so much attention and dedication to get to a better place that it left little nourishment for me. I stood behind him because I was in love with him and happy to surrender to some misplaced notion of a partnership that might blossom into a mutually rewarding relationship, which was never his aim. Now convinced emotionally by proof that the relationship would have been dreadful and untidy and hurtful, no longer wanting him all to myself, no longer attached, seeing what I did not like about him nor want in a partner, I am able to let go of him and untie the knot and release myself.  Single, back on the market, as it were.  Better, stronger, sexier. My self discovery was running parallel to his only I didn't have the energy to focus on it. He was very formal and curt with me in London. In the past as his pseudo boyfriend and in a a supplicant role, I would have been hurt. But I realised life is not a vacuum. One cannot behave badly and get away with it. Both of us must accept responsibility but degrees of it. The blame is never equal. It is identifying the triggers and not letting them be pressed, not falling into old habits, stepping back, that counts.

London is full of beautiful men. I feel like I am the guest of honour at a gay feast when I am in London. The volume and opportunity always boosts my happy quota.  Being told you are sexy and agreeing when being courted by and flirting with lots of hot guys is great fun. I was flirting like mad and loving the attention.  I met a very handsome older Jamaican man who explained about the Gay Jamaican psyche and its men. Fascinating insight. Life has purpose only we don't always know exactly what the value is  until further down the line. I struggled to get to grips with a Jamaican guy and then along comes another Jamaican guy, older lived more been there, who helped me to understand why he was made the way he was, how he may have been influenced. I realised that I was fixated on one man because he was experimental, striving, learned and that is me and that is what I want in a man.

Been a while...

Sometimes I feel life is escaping me and, other times, I am guiding it. These last few weeks have been traumatic, mostly in part to the issues between a friend and I. I have learned to not take it so seriously. It is the best way. And that way, each of us will continue without hindrance. Escaping me, I am now in control.  The Summer is always very busy and the weekends full. I have been invited to France and Spain but think I will stay in the UK. Just to settle in a bit and take stock.