Howay the lads

Not been like this for a while.  I feel excited about my life. I am in control and, after a period of intense introspection, feel strong, motivated and positive. In London I was anxious bumping into an ex boyfriend (kind of in the sense that the friendship was in its patterns and style like boyfriends).  With a knot in my stomach and that morbid curiosity of what he might be up to and with whom mixed with reluctance, I put a brave face on. Light bulb moment. I realised it was not jealousy but low self esteem - that I feel inferior and inadequate.  The relationship failed and I blamed myself.  Not the case.  It takes two to clap.  Dragging him under, over and through the obstacle course of self discovery, as he sought to fine tune his judgement of himself, I helped him to achieve that.  The downside of knowing someone so well and being so close is that the journey involves frustration, impotency and confusion and I was the brunt of it. I accepted the punches -mostly by disagreement, often by clashing and three times by verbal assault.  He required so much attention and dedication to get to a better place that it left little nourishment for me. I stood behind him because I was in love with him and happy to surrender to some misplaced notion of a partnership that might blossom into a mutually rewarding relationship, which was never his aim. Now convinced emotionally by proof that the relationship would have been dreadful and untidy and hurtful, no longer wanting him all to myself, no longer attached, seeing what I did not like about him nor want in a partner, I am able to let go of him and untie the knot and release myself.  Single, back on the market, as it were.  Better, stronger, sexier. My self discovery was running parallel to his only I didn't have the energy to focus on it. He was very formal and curt with me in London. In the past as his pseudo boyfriend and in a a supplicant role, I would have been hurt. But I realised life is not a vacuum. One cannot behave badly and get away with it. Both of us must accept responsibility but degrees of it. The blame is never equal. It is identifying the triggers and not letting them be pressed, not falling into old habits, stepping back, that counts.

London is full of beautiful men. I feel like I am the guest of honour at a gay feast when I am in London. The volume and opportunity always boosts my happy quota.  Being told you are sexy and agreeing when being courted by and flirting with lots of hot guys is great fun. I was flirting like mad and loving the attention.  I met a very handsome older Jamaican man who explained about the Gay Jamaican psyche and its men. Fascinating insight. Life has purpose only we don't always know exactly what the value is  until further down the line. I struggled to get to grips with a Jamaican guy and then along comes another Jamaican guy, older lived more been there, who helped me to understand why he was made the way he was, how he may have been influenced. I realised that I was fixated on one man because he was experimental, striving, learned and that is me and that is what I want in a man.

Been a while...

Sometimes I feel life is escaping me and, other times, I am guiding it. These last few weeks have been traumatic, mostly in part to the issues between a friend and I. I have learned to not take it so seriously. It is the best way. And that way, each of us will continue without hindrance. Escaping me, I am now in control.  The Summer is always very busy and the weekends full. I have been invited to France and Spain but think I will stay in the UK. Just to settle in a bit and take stock.

Truth or dare?

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. 

Which of these options would you choose?  Accept the bad in you and not change. Be in denial, not accept the bad and not change.  Accept what is bad in you and change. This last year and a half, I have experienced so much.  I don’t know why it has been mostly negative, perhaps because it cuts deeper. I have repeated patterns in love that hurt me.  I have been paralysed by fear and exhausted by anxiety.   I have been delusional and expected solutions I barely lifted a finger to find.  I wallowed in self-pit.  What I can say without doubt is that the road to discovery has been bumpy but the view over the hill, amazing.  Now that I know what is unhealthy in me and no longer  like, I will work to get rid of it. I am a good man but I have been a bad man.

I am vastly different in moral character from one situation to the next.  I will want exclusivity with a boyfriend but then expect freedom to sleep around because it’s only sex.  I'm very liberal and open-minded but it has to be discussed and I have to feel safe in the love of my lover, to set rules, before I peek into the vaults of desire. I seek intimacy, commitment and dedication from a lover but I will sabotage that love if I am not sexually satisfied.

If hurt, I flip from nice to nasty.  When crossed, am a monster. I cannot turn the other cheek. I have to fight back. Rather than flare up at the time of the assault, I stew, store up the anger and hurt and then lash out.  I will make a terrible mess of it, muddle through and then produce a clear blueprint which allows me to step over the debris and walk away harm free.  

 I do not like being thwarted.  Even though I know the grass is not always greener on the other side, I am jealous minded. I value experience over material things but secretly wish for the security of a home and wealth.  I do not let go easily and can be very childish about it.

If I am challenged enough by someone who I deeply respect and admire, I curl up. I compare myself to him and become insecure to the point that I actually begin to question my perception of myself, how, what and why I think and feel.  I focus on the value of him to deflect the harder exercise, introspection and my own value. I project my faults onto him. Yet out of that insecurity, I reach a depth of understanding and a grounding that makes me very secure.  No matter what damage is inflicted, I have to find truth through proof.  I must be practical and philosophical and not just the latter.  

If I am not allowed to think and feel by myself, treated smugly or loftily, I retaliate with ferocious hostility. I will not be inhibited. Because I have lived life on my own terms, It cuts to my soul when I am restricted.  I need my solitude to wash, rinse and shake off the dirt and feel fresh again.

I am not afraid of the cracks, the mistakes, the faults in my friends but, when they exist in me, I am very hard on myself and over think myself into a twisted knot of confusion and self-loathing.  

I am very sensitive and easily upset.  I am volatile.  My thoughts dominate more than my feelings but over time equal out.

I am not a nasty man and never happier when I am helping someone else or being creative but when I lose control and get hurt I become vicious.  I love a drama and go way over the top. 

I am a Narcissist.  I have feelings of self-importance and a strong thirst for admiration and compliments (especially physical).  I concentrate on fantasies of great success, influence, intelligence, beauty or perfect love.  I believe too much in my own "specialness". I expect to associate with high prestige people or institutions and will act the part well.  I am frequently envious of others.  I am sometimes arrogant in my attitudes and behaviour.

So, not a bad year then. Lol.  Something is happening and I'm beginning to feel not so lost and confused. I think I'm actually beginning to accept myself. At almost half a century. I always was a late bloomer.

Born That Way

Unknown father.  Chance meeting.

In you, I am. Listening to my heartbeat.

In the womb, sharing. Always hungry.

Not grown until I die.

I feel. Pain in my DNA.

I know my twin.

Nerves jangled.

Bond deep.  So close and cocooned, easy prey.

Symbiotic.

One born black, one born white.

Faltering steps. Learning.  Secret admiration.

Similar and different.

Dreams shared.  Space away.  Graduation.

Battle of minds.  Sexual experience thirsty.

Working together.  Retirement.  Never.

Tickling the Ivories

So what about the film, Behind the Candelabra? Pathetic that it was deemed dead box office by the homophobic US distributors who dare not handle it, commendable that HBO made it. Six Feet Under, True Blood, now this.  HBO stands for Honest, Bold and Original.  A roster of top stars and a hilarious performance by Rob Lowe as the wax faced plastic surgeon - the acting pedigree alone made it a must see. Matt Damon gave the finest performance, a subtle and moving portrayal of the innocent boy in love with a monster, the disintegrating lover, ravaged by drugs and jealousy, ripped apart by and manipulated by Liberace.  Constructed in his image and then demolished and destroyed by Liberace's conveyor belt approach to the men he desired, the old one obsolete.  Dorian Gray in all its horror! The make up and costumes and set deserve a special mention - amazing.  The Great Gatsby without the daft intellectual pretence.  It was candyfloss camp. Great to see the subjects of lust and power and gay life in the seventies and eighties in your face - the the lurid, erotic, egotistical games seen through a diamond encrusted magnifying glass. There were moments of dread when I recognised behaviour that I have been guilty of. It will join La Cage aux Folles as a Gay classic to be groaned at on a lazy Sunday night with a  few friends and many glasses of Merlot. Even the hard-bitten gay man watching it may have said was it really like that? OMFG! I'm going straight. Lol.

Old Blog

I found this from October two years ago. The year after Susie died in an accident. Welcome to my first blog.  Today I am making a pear and ginger upside down cake (for the second time, virgin dessert made for a dinner party in La Cladech, France a fortnight ago) and peach liqueurs made from a crate of peaches I picked with Susie Tarver of Looming Marvellous.

Liverpool

Liverpool has changed. It is more run down than ever and the new build seems cramped and shadows the alleyways. It has had it's heart taken away.  But the Walker Art Gallery had an excellent exhibition of attitudes to death. I am always more interested in the arty boys who visit galleries than the boy's art on the walls!  Then to The Library, the old Victorian shell inside a state of the art modernisation. Really liked the viewing platform with the liver birds in the distance. Paddy's Wig Wam (the Catholic Cathedral) where I was a best man! Back home now for tea before we head of to Clwyd for dinner and theatre.